Obvious exits are NORTH, SOUTH and DENNIS.

So, while perusing one of my favoured forums (sneakily hidden behind the xkcd site) I made a lovely post in a thread where you post a description of the previous poster’s requested action, I was lucky enough to get a ‘RESTART’ and ran with it:

You feel something wet on your face as you come back to consciousness. Everything is dark, and you start to panic; sitting bolt upright you flail your arms around you before realising that your eyes are still closed.
As slits of light open in front of you, you feel a sharp pain in the back of your head, but this is soon forgotten as you look at the view sprawled before you.

Green fields of tall swaying grass gently rustle in the wind, The sussuruss of tall oak and elm trees gently caresses your ears. You gaze in wonderment as the soft light of an early dawn plays, gamboling, over a small chuckling stream. You stand, taking a few steps forward, dew lightly brushing onto your bare feet, the loam underneath providing a soft cushion for your weary legs.

Spinning around you see birds flitting through the air; small wrens with bright colours singing into the cool morning air. You decide to run to the stream; it’s farther than it looks, but as you arrive you realise you are only a little warmer. Bending down to peer into the crystal clear water, you see small fish darting from behind smooth rocks. You trail your fingers through the freezing liquid, and drops fall from your cupped hands like diamonds. as you raise the water to your lips, you are violently slain by a grue.

>RESTART

Unfortunately, someone beat me to the post, and I was ninja’d out of my brilliant post… but it can go to some use here as a rather-short short story.

Epitome of the ninja

This was written for me by a friend who I (at the time) had no idea was epic-ly awesome. It also made my day and week.

Bushes rustling under winda
Could be wind but could be ninja
Masturbating in your garden
Peeping Tom with ninja hard-on

You see the ninja, see him wanking
Harmless ninja, Christ you’re thanking
Weirds you out, but he thinks you’re hot
Means all those sharp weapons are just for
… wait, what?!

Shuriken, tanto, ninjagatana
Smoke bombs, caltrops, kusurigama
Shobo, kama and the clan’s kitchen sink
You only need one hand for wanking, I think

Blink once, twice then ninja gone
Like the wind in human form
Nothing there but empty road
Trampled plants and ninja load

Doors slams behind you, what was that?
Could be ninja or… ninja cat?
Relieved now but freaking out.
Wanking ninja’s still about

Lights go out then flash back on
It’s an all-night ninjathon
Pants wet now you look around
Trickling pee at every sound
Nothing bad, coast is clear
But don’t know how that statue got here.

The one of a ninja clutching his dick
And toting a sword, razor-tipped
Lights blink out and statue comes silently
Lights back on as statue comes violently
Then ninja kills you.

~J. Vallance

Cycle

The screams fill my head, always pushing to get out. Nothing ever wants to stay where it is.

When I finally find something solid; I cling like a rock in a stream. But reality alters, terra firma slipping between my fingers. Scalding molten rock burns like silky ice.

Frozen in place I am swept away. Further towards death I always fall, the flailing darkness I try to claw.

I open my mouth, only to have my lungs fill with the void. I struggle to free myself; find something to anchor me. I think I hear a voice, and angel? But the screams fill my head, always pushing to get out.

Octavius the bounty hunter

Written for a friend who set me the man-challenge of writing a story…

Well, here it is.

The wind ruffled his smooth fur

Sun glistening off his back

Muscles pumped effortlessly

As he pounded down the track

His quarry now within his sight

He drew his trusty gun

Taking careful aim at him

He set it’s dial to ’stun’

A fizzling crackle filled the air

Octavius let out a bark

He bore down upon his prey

As the LASER hit it’s mark

Octavius stood up proud

The villain began to squeal

Because the bounty hunter was infact

A large and fearsome seal

Scientific explanation.

Ther reason why I haven’t made a post in a while:

I’ve thought of many posts, all containing a lot information. But because I didn’t put a lot of energy into thinking of them, I have to spend a lot of time until I can post them all.
The calculations are shown below.
Information = power

Power = ([length]^2 [mass])/[time]^3

Energy= ([length]^2 [mass])/[time]^2

Therefore Power = Energy * Time = Information

Because I have a lot of information, but put in little energy, the time of creating the posts has gone right up.
I apologise deeply and shall endevour to put in more energy in the future.

Massive Christ

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes, and ships, and sealing-wax,
Of cabbages, and kings.
And why the sea is boiling hot,
And whether pigs have wings.” – Lewis Carroll

I couldn’t agree more with the Walrus, I have so much to talk about due to not having written a post on here in a good week and a bit (apologies go out to those who actually read this blag).

First thing is first; it is, again, the time of year where people spend ridiculous amounts of money on other people they have the misfortune of being related to…
Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. But what I love is eating cold roast on Boxing day while watching the cricket.

People go to so much effort to clean houses, cook amazing food and be happy for their visitors that they don’t realise that what they are doing is masking their true feelings and emotions.
So take the opportunity this Christmas to not care what others think… You’ve got 364 days to do that.
Sit back, eat whatever’s in the fridge, and spend time conversing with the people who you really care for.

Despondent

Due to not having a lot of spare time at the moment; I’m going to give you another stocking-filler of a blag post.

Despondent = de-sponed ant = ant with no spon?

Yestoday

Hey there, I’m the me from yesterday; where it’s still international pretend to be a time traveler day!

I won’t bore you with what I’m going to have done for the rest of my evening; because it hasn’t happened yet. Although I do plan to have bought a nice new pocket knife, which was pleasing. I also went to climbing where I will get so tired that I can’t undo my shoes right now…

Then, just after breakfast, I figured I’ll get very tired and wrote a non-sensical post on my blag.

Hello, I think I may have been going crazy soon.

Help

Whilst the building stands tall, the foundations fail. Bright windows betray the truth of the matter. Occasionally the lights will break, but no worry comes.

Whilst the tree grows sound, the core is rotting. Green leaves betray the truth of the matter. Occasionally a branch will break, but no sap comes.

Whilst the body functions, the heart is dying. A broad smile betrays the truth of the matter. Occasionally my mind will break, but no tears come.

I can only hope that you are the builder I am looking for, the careful gardener, the one to help me heal.

Memory

I’m trying so hard, so hard to forget about you.

But it’s not so easy, to change the way I feel for you.

‘Cos when I close my eyes, I see your face.

When I breathe, I smell your sweet scent.

The warmth of the sun reminds me;

Just how cold I am without your arms around me.

So I cry at night, I see my psych.

I try to hate you to lessen the pain.

But I can’t, because I care too much.

And should I stop, I fear I’ll die.